Annual smear of humiliation
Since the Little Man is just this side of weaned and monthlies have started again I decided to go in for the annual exam all girls look forward to, and get some pills or something so I stop killing myself with cuteness for the lovely bundles the Hub and I have produced.
My Doc is a great lady. She's blunt, has a sense of humor and never seems to be rushing so I usually feel as comfortable as possible when she's the only one that's been nearly as (clinically) friendly with me as my husband.
First the up-the-shirt exam: "Um, while you're there, what's that?" I point to a dime-sized spot of pigmented skin that popped up right in between my boobs since I had my son nearly 1 year ago.
"Oh, that's just a fungus, not too different from ringworm but not contagious or spreading. Just put some . . . (I stopped listening at fungus)"
"What?! Boob fungus?! I have boob fungus?! But it's not skin cancer?"
"No, Ha . . . um, it's really common."
Below the belt exam: Doc: "Oh, but this spot (where the sun don't shine) you might want to keep track of."
"Uh, right."
"I know I haven't seen you for a while - since you were pregnant - but it might have grown a little (ok, I think my ass just shrunk a little since I was pregnant, so the spot is bound to look bigger in relation). You should have The Hub take a digital photo every 6 months and compare."
"What?!, photos of what? Oh, GOD."
Might as well ask the last question because I thought I've had skin cancer on my nose for a couple years now and I should just bite the bullet and know for sure: "Ok, then what about this spot on my nose - it's not real noticeable but it does look like an immature zit, but I've had it for years?"
"Oh, that you might take concern with in about 10 years because you might start resembling . . . (some children's book witch character I forgot) - it's just a blah-blah follicle that will probably start growing."
"Uhhhh, huh?! Freakin' witch nose!?"
OMG So I leave with a diagnosis of: "Boob Fungus" ; "Potential Witch Nose" ; and a prescription for "Digital Ass Photos" and "bc pills".
At least it's not cancer.
My Doc is a great lady. She's blunt, has a sense of humor and never seems to be rushing so I usually feel as comfortable as possible when she's the only one that's been nearly as (clinically) friendly with me as my husband.
First the up-the-shirt exam: "Um, while you're there, what's that?" I point to a dime-sized spot of pigmented skin that popped up right in between my boobs since I had my son nearly 1 year ago.
"Oh, that's just a fungus, not too different from ringworm but not contagious or spreading. Just put some . . . (I stopped listening at fungus)"
"What?! Boob fungus?! I have boob fungus?! But it's not skin cancer?"
"No, Ha . . . um, it's really common."
Below the belt exam: Doc: "Oh, but this spot (where the sun don't shine) you might want to keep track of."
"Uh, right."
"I know I haven't seen you for a while - since you were pregnant - but it might have grown a little (ok, I think my ass just shrunk a little since I was pregnant, so the spot is bound to look bigger in relation). You should have The Hub take a digital photo every 6 months and compare."
"What?!, photos of what? Oh, GOD."
Might as well ask the last question because I thought I've had skin cancer on my nose for a couple years now and I should just bite the bullet and know for sure: "Ok, then what about this spot on my nose - it's not real noticeable but it does look like an immature zit, but I've had it for years?"
"Oh, that you might take concern with in about 10 years because you might start resembling . . . (some children's book witch character I forgot) - it's just a blah-blah follicle that will probably start growing."
"Uhhhh, huh?! Freakin' witch nose!?"
OMG So I leave with a diagnosis of: "Boob Fungus" ; "Potential Witch Nose" ; and a prescription for "Digital Ass Photos" and "bc pills".
At least it's not cancer.
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